“I tried killing myself twice, but it didn’t work…”
I grew up an only child and never had any real close-by cousins and stuff, so I always struggled with being shy and talking to people. On top of that I was always the “fat kid.” So I developed some MAJOR social issues.
I had serious issues with insecurity, shyness, negativity, and very depressive. I think that might be why I have taken to mime, dance, and drama so well because it feels like most of my life I was wearing a mask. From the outside looking in I was the jovial, life of the party, always happy person but as soon as I was alone and the audience went home the mask would fall off and you could see how I was dying inside. (#TempleFitTip — Click for Scriptures to fight suicide: how to protect your life >>>Someone else already died so you could live >>>you are here for a reason >>> God is up to something good…just for you). I felt like I was dying a little more every year of life until I no longer wanted life.
I tried killing myself twice, but it didn’t work.
Everyone has had times that they have felt lonely but I’m not sure how many really understand what being alone is–where you can be in a room full of people or the middle of a crowd and still feel isolated. Kind of like in a prison in your own mind. Solitary confinement. I felt like that through most of my adolescent and young adult life until around my mid 20’s. So it was not so much me wanting to change but NEEDING to change our I would not be here today.
I had always struggled with my weight with that whole Luther Vandross thing, where I would lose and gain weight right back; but when I started getting closer to God, He placed me in a position even just mentally where things started to change. And when He changed how I thought it started affecting how I lived and took care of my self. Instead of hiding from the world and pitying myself, I challenged the world.
I stopped drinking, and smoking and have not done them in several years now. I embraced change and adopted this weight loss and fitness as a lifestyle, and not just a habit. I learned that some things you can’t just want a little bit. You have to go hard after it until it becomes life. This is how I live. Not that there are not challenges or that I slip up every now and then but when it becomes more than just a hobby and you have a goal in place, you pick the ball back up and run
I have found the most challenging thing has been changing the way I think. A lot of people don’t realize the mental “cost” of such massive weight loss. I think people where afraid I would become vain, or full of myself but if anything I became more insecure. Yes I look great on the outside, but for 20+ years I took a mental pounding especially my self esteem and self confidence. (#TempleFitTip — Click the links for Scriptures to heal your mind: the way you think is the way you’ll be >>> don’t listen to the world >>> how to have a peaceful mind).
I was unbalanced because I did all that work on the outside but neglected the inside thinking, “If I just lose this weight, life would be great. Losing weight was easy compared to the mental healing I needed, because the weight loss I had control over, but to renew this mind I needed God for that. He was the only one there to be with me all the times I cried at night, all the times I was alone both physically and emotionally; He was the one who kept me here when I tried to tap out on life. And He has brought me such a long way.
But it’s still hard letting go of certain parts of the “old” me. I still struggle sometimes with feeling insecure and confident. (#TempleFitTip — Click the links for Scriptures to heal your confidence: don’t throw your confidence away>>> you’re not in this by yourself >>> it may get hard…but you’re still a winner). It still takes effort at times to be social with people when after so many years, although I hated it, being to myself had become a bit of a “comfort zone” But it’s a process and GOD said in Philippians 1:6 that He who began a good work in you shall finish it.
and on my end trying to get better in every aspect of my life, so I can make sure to stay balanced, so when I make my next big change and move to my next level, I won’t carry any baggage.